I Am Nothing

And fly away she did, from the insanity, the madness, the terror that stalked her by day and reached around her throat in the pitch black darkness of nearly every 3 a.m. hour. Vanishing into nothing more than an illusion, smoke and mirrors or quite simply, the biggest lie she ever bought.

I Am Nothing

by Kacie Brockman

Who am I?

Well the answer is a paradox of sorts. I am noone, and yet, I am everyone. I am nothing special, and yet, I am everything special. I belong nowhere, and yet, I belong everywhere.

I have nothing,

I need nothing.

Therefore, I have everything.

I am someone that got “IT.”

What is “IT”?

The BIG PICTURE.

“IT” is the moment I realized that by becoming nothing…I became everything.

“IT” had to occur in order for my soul, my spirit, my mind and my life to soar free….free from fear, expectations, perceptions and all judgements placed upon me by others, and by…myself.

How did I finally get “IT?”

I had to let go, surrender, and release whoever, wherever, whatever, and why ever it was that I was seeking to destroy myself at all cost. The reasons no longer mattered. All that mattered was that I drop the past…the resentments, the mistrust, the memories, the pain, the heartache, the anger, the resentments, the need to be right, to be heard, to be believed.

All that mattered was that I drop the future, for IT DOES NOT EXIST…rather…always and only in our minds.

Once I was able to let go…what began as a light breeze quickened….becoming a strong wind that is carrying me…this once flightless, earthbound creature is now being carried by the sheer magnitude of the wind itself…this once chained and shackled being is now soaring above all worry, doubt, guilt, fear and shame. These things are no longer mine to carry…they are no longer anchors to my soul…for they were never belonged to me in the first place.

Once I opened my window of willingness, this caged bird realized she could fly.

And fly away she did, from the insanity, the madness, the terror that stalked her by day and reached around her throat in the pitch black darkness of nearly every 3 a.m. hour. Vanishing into nothing more than an illusion, smoke and mirrors or quite simply, the biggest lie she ever bought.

“But we’ve heard this song and dance before.” they say.

“She’s relapsed, again,” they whisper.

“We’ll see…,” they mutter.

My “oh so diplomatic and business attire only” response to those who continue to gossip about a child of God fighting for her life?

I may fall down 7 times, but I get the fuck back up 8.

Finnigan Begin AGAIN!

AND AGAIN!

And in my mind still, I hear the distant echo of a Sergeant commanding his soldier, (or my father’s voice shouting from the great beyond to me….his one tin soldier….)

“Oh, I’m sorry…you fell down again?….

UP.

Stumbled again, did we?

Up.

Down…again.

Up.

How many times yo Mama have to push to get you here? HOW MANY?

UP!!!!

Down.

MERCY? YOU WANT MERCY? YOU GIVE YOUR MAMA ANY MERCY WHEN SHE COULDN’T PUSH ANYMORE? DID YOU? SO WHAT HAPPENED??? SHE FUCKING PUSHED YOUR ASS OUT INTO THIS WORLD WHEN SHE HAD NOTHING…DO YOU HEAR ME? SHE HAD NOTHING LEFT…SHE FUCKING PUSHED! NOW YOU GET UP AND DON’T YOU DARE MAKE YOUR MAMA BURY YOU!!! DON’T YOU DARE!!! UP!

Leave NO MAN BEHIND!

UP.

NO MAN!

I’m sorry…you’re tired?

THEN. STOP. PICKING. UP. THE. DOPE.

LET’S GO. UP. GO. UP. GO. FALL AGAIN??? SO WHAT? UP! UP!

WHAT PART OF NO MAN LEFT BEHIND DO YOU NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND?!?

BACK UP!

UP!


And one day…one, Oh my Father God, GLORIOUS day…

I.

Broke.

Down.

And surrendered.

To you?

No.

To society?

No.

To “man’s law?”

No.

I broke down, to the very ground I fell, weeping.

And I surrendered on MY KNEES,

before MY GOD,

because MY GOD

LEAVES.

NO.

MAN.

BEHIND.

AND THAT IS HOW I BECAME EVERYTHING….

BY BECOMING…

NOTHING.


Today, I wake up to love,

Rather than to be loved.

41 days.

~ Kacie Brockman

Lizard Tails & Confetti

Woven so carefully by the threads of mind control only a survivor of covert narcissistic abuse can comprehend. I no longer concern myself with those who never saw anything wrong, for it was I who had to spend a lifetime navigating my way through this 3-Ring Shit Show.

Reflecting back upon the teeter-tottered reality of my life, I thought the following phrase best captures it in it’s entirety.



There seems to have been no in-between.

Reality was either…

Riding high on cloud 9!

Or…

Reality was Traumatic AF.


When growing up, if I expressed in any way that my (experience, emotion, perception, idea or belief) of something or someone was lizard tails, I was promptly corrected and somehow convinced that it was confetti.

If my interpretation was that it was confetti I was made to believe that it was in fact, lizard tails.

I never seemed to get it right.

Never understanding up from down. I thought I did. But every time I turned around I was told I was going in the wrong direction. Except in school where I finally got things right…and so I excelled.


So here are some quotes for the bipolar-botched, confusion-cursed, gaslighted game we cane to know as our “identification of self.” Woven so carefully by the threads of mind control only a survivor of covert narcissistic abuse can comprehend. I no longer concern myself with those who never saw anything wrong, for it was I who had to spend a lifetime navigating my way through this 3-Ring Shit Show.

No longer needing to convince, at last I am free to provide myself with trust, patience, compassion and a really dark sense of humor.

Through it all I certainly became adept at one thing.

To find humor in ALL THINGS.

For the good days, the bad days, the good minutes, the bad minutes… the happy, the sad ~ as all of it, any of it might change from minute to minute.

So right now I’m just learning to ride the waves.

But one day…this young grasshopper will find the balance of the crystal, calm waters within…

Until then…damn lizard tails and confetti it is.

But now…

I alone choose to determine which is which.


Thank you all for visiting!

Please like, subscribe, and share!

All my Love,

Kacie ~°°~

Thimbleberry Thoughts

All of our moments should be overflowing with thimbleberry thoughts. So in planting these tiny seeds, in due time and in just the right season, the blossoms of revelations, wisdom, and nourishment might likely produce the sweet and lovely fruit for which others may receive their harvest.

Perhaps you are wondering what exactly IS a thimbleberry. Thimbleberry is a beguilingly tart, aromatic fruit that grows wild in northern climates, thriving in areas with cool summer temperatures. The large, velvety berries have a tangy taste reminiscent of currants and raspberries, with soft seeds that release their nutty flavor when chewed.

All of our moments should be overflowing with thimbleberry-like thoughts. So in planting these tiny seeds, in due time and in just the right season, the blossoms of revelations, wisdom, and nourishment might likely produce the sweet and lovely fruit for which others may receive their harvest.

Please feel free to take whichever seeds of thought you like, and scatter them to the wind, because that is precisely where a miracle may in fact, exist.

All my love, Kacie

Sprinkled Encouragements

A Life Without Dreams is Like A Cupcake Without Sprinkles…Encourage a Friend and Share a Sprinkled Encouragement or Two!

Sprinkled Encouragements