This web blog is my journey out of a near fatal addiction to methamphetamine, alcohol, self mutilation and multiple suicide attempts, back to self.
Fearlessly examined is a history of decades of the pernicious Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, and sheer chaos our family endured for decades by a seriously affected mother. This personality of sheer madness would later become my compass of sorts, and how I would later choose various manners of ultimate self destruction. The severe psychological abuse I experienced by first my mother and years later my second husband drove me into multiple 5150’s, a serious substance abuse disorder, and at last the court system. The court system which I’d previously had involvement with, having worked for a local prominent attorney for over five years.
Well, long story short, I tried to murder one of them. By the grace of God, and with Jack Daniels Honey Tennessee Whiskey as an accomplice, I failed miserably. A blood alcohol level of .397 ensured that not only would I not succeed, but that I would then “hide” myself directly beneath the police department following the foolish, drunken attempt.
I have publicly acknowledged my responsibility and ownership for the situations I was indeed responsible for, and have held myself accountable for all of my actions. Intoxicated at the time or not, I step into my accountability for creating terrible damage for myself, but most importantly for others, far after the abuse had ended.
That being said, numerous psychological games and tactics were executed at the time by two individuals to manipulate and control me. They’ve maneuvered their way quite effectively out of any culpability in the matter and process of destroying a life. And for this reason, I refuse to harbor their secrets by my silence.
I will continue to write with fearless honesty, as perhaps someone else might need to hear that they’re not alone. I was, and still continue to feel very alone. When family sides with the abuser, it’s a difficult if not impossible matter to process. So I process this acceptance through writing.
My purpose of breaking my silence is to promote a greater understanding and Awareness of Covert Narcissistic Abuse and to educate the general population about this serious mental disorder and the likelihood of further victimization due to lack of information and education by those that work in our court system, child protection programs and our public education system.
Life is our playground and our sandbox. So it’s about time I started playing and creating. How can you be afraid to play? How can you be afraid to create? Only if you’re waiting on somebody else’s opinion of how you play or what you decide to create do you actually accomplish, well, …nothing. Not a damn thing. For 49 years I’ve been waiting on someone else’s approval, pat on the back, good job, agreement, gold star etc. Not anymore. It’s no longer, “One day I’ll start that blog…One day I’ll write that book…” No. Today, this day, is day one. No more dreaming, no more wishing, no more talking. It’s Game Time.
I thought I could do this chronologically but that’s not going to happen. So then I thought my blog? My book? Well then, my rules. And here are the rules:
There are no more damn rules.
I followed them my whole life until life stopped me dead in my tracks and the very earth’s foundation began shifting like sand in an hourglass. Cognitive Dissonance became a very real construct in my scrambled world. My entire belief system was shaken (not stirred) to the core of my being.
Following the rules keeps you safe. I promise it does. But do you feel joy, contentment, fulfillment? Does following the rules make you happy? That cookie cutter mold (Social Image) that you have spent your entire life creating, conforming, enhancing, or forcing yourself to be, is it really you? Do you even know?
When I say rules, I don’t mean the necessary law abiding rules of a civilized society, I mean the “rules”-the unspoken ones, the ones that if you don’t follow you are frowned upon, or not invited to someone’s wedding, or talked about behind your back, or excluded from a circle of friends perhaps.
I’m over it. I was recently told that I lacked a filter. I was honest about my feelings by simply allowing a physical response to an emotion of sorrow move up, out and away from me. Teardrops. I was very hurt and had yet to process the new and uncomfortable, no, downright painful information I had just been given. And right away I was perceived as being difficult, or not having the reaction or response that I should have had, and that there was just something different about me and something wrong about me. I didn’t used to lack a filter. I had tact and a courteous manner and I could fake a handshake and a gentle smile, but when you’re backed into a corner and you’ve jumped through all the hoops and you played all the games and you’ve danced all the dances, knowing all the choreography by heart, because at the deepest level of my being, EVERYTHING I did, everything I said, the friends that I surrounded myself with, EVERYTHING was to ensure at all cost never having to experience the following: judgment, abandonment, ostracization, exclusion, isolation-and rejection. Yet every single one of my deepest terrors still occurred. I manifested every single one. Everything I feared, everything I navigated my entire life so carefully around so that would never happen to me, well, it still happened.
So now what? Do I dance the dance again? Do I jump through hoops again? Do I fold my napkin properly across my lap? Do I tell you everything‘s fine when it’s not? Do I talk about the beautiful weather we’re having? Do we sweep all those nasty little dust bunnies of life’s experiences right under the carpet again?
Or…Can I be real finally?
I am unladylike. I am honest. I stay up too late and I sleep in too late. I haven’t shaved my legs in weeks…and it’s summer. I don’t always think things through. I don’t fill my gas tank until the red light has been on for a few days and I don’t pay my utility bills until the 48 hour notice. I pick up hitchhikers every once in a while and we talk about Jesus, the cosmos and the best taco truck in town. I drink out of the milk carton. The other day I flipped off a driver that passed dangerously on my right while I had my child in the car… and started using curse words my child’s never heard me use. He was impressed.
I am beginning to feel emotions that I have not felt since the age of 13.
At which age I learned to adapt and endure multiple traumas by inducing a numbed perception through self injury and subsequently alcoholism and drug addiction.
The first thing you get to experience in recovery is emotions. Feelings. For some that may seem a very simple concept but when you have existed for close to four decades dodging, swerving and leaping over them, it’s quite a challenging and difficult experience to acclimate yourself to.
Yet, Today I wear them openly. I cry too much, I laugh too loud, I wear clothes that don’t match, I’m too loud, I’m too lazy, I’m a whole lotta “too much” everything.
And you know why I think that is, because I did follow all the rules all the time all my life. And something shifted and the transition began about five years ago.
When you’re arrested for attempted murder… Life takes on a whole new meaning.
When the whole community really doesn’t know when, why, how, who, or where, well then they fill in the blanks themselves. And the story takes on a life of its own that isn’t remotely possible to break apart, even with the truth.
So I stepped back and I accepted that people believe what they want to believe. It’s much easier to construct, believe, pass along information however erroneous and untruthful, it’s much easier for people to swallow than the ugly monster called the truth.
So,I will never again take another breath for another human being to decide whether I was worthy enough to breathe.
I lack a filter, because I expressed an authentic human response to news that my new normal life that I had finally just adjusted to, was now being thrown up in the air and juggled around and landing in places I never expected. My heart and my mind, my sense of security, my sense of familial relationships, all of it felt like it was just thrown out the window and anything short of immediate readjustment, reacclimation, acceptance and overwhelming joy was unwelcome. Well it didn’t happen that way and so once again I was different from everyone else. I was (perceived/or real) the cold, unsupportive, selfish disfunctional / toxic black sheep of the family.
Humans feel. Humans hurt. Humans make mistakes…often. I am one of the messy humans so quadruple all of that.
I can’t be neat and tidy and proper anymore. Nope. I cannot live in such a fashion to make me suitable to invite to tea parties or luncheons or to meet your new fiancé. I am inappropriate and coarse. My clothes are wrinkled and your feathers will likely be ruffled.
White Trash? No. Low Class? Not even close. It’s called, walking barefoot through the soft, green meadows and shards of broken glass that together create this experience called life.
True compassion, understanding, and humanity that can only come from experiencing it all.
One More Thing:
I say “Fuck” a lot more these days…and not in a whisper.